(The Artist Formerly Known As) Bitter Chick September 30, 2007

Back to our regularly scheduled programming … ;-) After a number of successive dates with Ozzy and Mac, I’d decided that during my five-day trip last week (visiting friends and family in my hometown), I’d have some time to sort out my feelings and see where my head was at. Both guys had expressed a desire for exclusive relationships, and I was stalling in favor of my “date casually, have fun, don’t jump in too fast” credo. Mac was cool with this, but Ozzy’s romantic, heart-on-shoulder tendencies required a gentle cold water splash of reality.

So we sat there in the inky darkness at a local park, and he asked me what I was thinking about — a question he asks far too often, one of his less endearing traits (mystery is a good thing sometimes!) … I responded that I felt like things were moving too fast, and that I felt like he needed to back off quite a bit because I felt myself tensing in a “fight or flight” scenario that would disappoint both of us. He said he appreciated my honesty and he agreed that he was the type who romanticized relationships and falls in love quickly — which I had to challenge by asking him if he was really wrapped up in me or in what “we” represented. Ozzy assured me that his feelings for me were genuine, but saw where I was coming from and promised to ease up on the intensity and be cool with a more casual vibe. Yes, I hear the faraway sounds of warning sirens and see the crimson flags a’waving in the distance … But I’m a sucker for romantics, dammit — so I figured I’d go off on my trip and see how things fared when I got back.

Now here’s thing thing with me — I love to travel, whether it’s taking a road trip around my current home state; visiting friends and family back “home”; exploring new locales; daydreaming about visiting someplace exotic; etc. But I can be a bit of a Plany McPlanerton, and I like to have an idea of where I’m going, what I’m doing, who I’m seeing, and so on — that way I don’t miss out on something I really wanted to do or someone whom I really wanted to spend time with. Unfortunately most of my friends tend to eschew planning ahead, which means that no matter how many times I reminded them that I was coming into town, I was met with surprise when I called to say that I was within driving distance. Combined with the fact that no one has ever expressed interest in coming out here to visit, it made for a frustrating and disappointing arrival.

So I got to spend time with three good friends, and three others bailed on me completely — two out of those three not even returning calls or giving any reasons or excuses. I know it’s not because they’re angry at me for something, as these are people who expressed happiness and excitement that I’d be back for a spell. But there was just such a lack of regard and respect, I found myself with a bitter taste in my mouth and a hardened view of who I really considered to be a friend. Then I kind of kicked myself because I realized that I’d been doing the same things that numerous philosophies (in the scheme of dating) caution against: I had essentially laid myself down and said “I’m a doormat, please walk all over me.”

One of the biggest things I got from Sherry Argov’s book was in relation to what you should do if someone doesn’t show up for a date on time (and they don’t call with an explanation). She said you should give them thirty minutes, then make other plans. The message there being, “I allowed for reasonable delays, I gave you plenty of opportunity to call and apologize or postpone, but now I’m getting on with my life.” The trouble is that many of us get so caught up in the victim mentality that it seems more natural to do what I did — namely, sit around and grow angrier by the minute, call and leave voicemails, then when you realize you’re being stood up, formulate a nasty email in your mind that will really “stick it to them” and make them realize how much they inconvenienced you.

But zebras don’t change their stripes, and being a bitter chick was only perversely satisfying for an hour or so. I call it a lesson learned — no matter how close you consider a friendship, no matter how certain you are that someone cares about you, the reality is that you have to look out for number one. Or as they would say in the PUA community, don’t lower your points of value. It may be a little lonely keeping your head held high, but at least you’ll be able to see where you’re going with a clearer view!

Sorry for the tangent there … As my trip was winding down, I got a text from Mac saying that his work situation (heretofore in a constant state of flux) had finally been set in stone — he’d be moving away for nine months to help close down his company’s northern CA branch, and then he’d been recommended for a year long contract in Belgium. (i.e., Let’s mess with the bachelor guy because he’s pliant!) Ahh well. I wrote back that the news didn’t bode well for a potential “us” and he agreed. And interestingly enough, Ozzy was at the forefront of my mind while I was away, perhaps in an “absence makes the heart grow fonder” sentiment. Even still, my heart isn’t all the way in it yet, and with Mac fading into “friends zone”, I’ve decided to turn eH matching back on and see where it leads.

I’m in your hands, Dr. W … Whatcha gonna send my way this week? ;-)

Sufficiently Awkward September 29, 2007

… Are the best two words to describe my “date” tonight with the new Match guy, Toby. Also see: boring, uninteresting, dull and lame.

He suggested meeting at kind of a divey pub, which I was happy about since I’m much more of the cider-swilling pub type than a swank, trendy bar chick. We pulled into the parking lot at the same time, and I thought he was cute and had a nice smile, so the first impression was a good one. He led me inside, we picked out a table, he pulled out my chair for me, and we settled in to chat.

That’s when things went from promising to painful.

As soon as we started talking, I felt like I was pulling teeth and he was numb on Novocaine. The conversation was … so … stilted … And every minute or two it would just stop dead in its tracks and we’d both be relegated to looking around the room as if infinitely fascinated by the wall hangings and imported beer selection. He asked me the same questions several times, indicating that he was both reaching for subjects to chat about and also not listening to my answers. I made an effort to keep smiling and laughing and make things fun, and it was like beaming at a brick wall. At one point I even asked him if he was more of the serious type, and (very seriously, mind you), he replied: “what does that mean?” Riiiiiight. Oh but the best part was when we started talking about our Match experiences:

Toby: Yeah, I met a girl about a year ago who was very cool. I would have married her, but there was a dealbreaker.
BittenChick: Oh, what was that?
Toby: She had two dogs.
BC: Okay … Were they disobedient or violent?
Toby: No, I’m just not a dog person. The way they slobber on you and want to sleep with you … [Visibly Shuddering]
BC: So … Why did you date a girl who had dogs if you’re not crazy about them?
Toby: Well I figured she’d get rid of them if she wanted to be with me.
BC: Oh. [Looking at my empty glass and wanting more alcohol. Badly.]

Shortly after that highlight, he asked me if I wanted another cider and I readily agreed, figuring if nothing else I’d get a buzz out of my evening. Meanwhile, he was sloooooowly nursing his Bud, eventually only drinking half and complaining about it being warm (as it’s wont to do after an hour of not drinking it, fuckwit!) This of course made me self conscious, because he’d ordered me another drink and was essentially just sitting there watching me drink it. I fought back the urge to guzzle it down, and Toby pointedly looked at his watch and starting yawning, going on about having gotten up at 6am this morning.

“Maybe we should have met on a Saturday,” he commented.
I made another half-hearted attempt. “It was your idea to meet tonight, silly!” I laughed playfully and smiled.
“Yeah, whatever.” Toby resumed scanning the walls. I resumed disliking him.

About five minutes later I downed the rest of my cider in a valiant gulp, and literally the second my glass hit the table, he asked if I wanted to get going. I nodded, and out of the pub we went, Toby walking a good five paces ahead of me. “It was nice meeting you!” he called as he headed towards his car — he was nearly out of the parking lot before I’d even gotten my door open.

I won’t be surprised if I never talk to him again. I will be surprised if I care. ;-)

Then I did what any self-respecting single gal would do … I cursed my fading buzz, drove to the grocery, and stocked up on sparkling wine, frozen pizza, and cookie dough — which I’ll begin indulging in (not all at once, mind you!) once this post is complete. Oh, and whilst shopping I managed to be stalked by a dude riding one of those pallet movers (he asked me if I needed help three times … I know I looked slightly glassy-eyed, but seriously!) And then the checkout guy proceeded to tell me that he didn’t need to see my ID, unless my phone number was on there too …

Moral of the story? Don’t pay $130-some dollars for online dating — just go to your local grocery late at night and get sexually harassed for free.

Damn … I need a drink. ;-)

Double Jeopardy? September 20, 2007

Nine days on eH and I’ve already turned off matching … I think this is a good sign!

Mac and I had our first date on Sunday night after engaging in nearly two hours of hilarious pre-date banter via Gmail chat. We were supposed to meet for lunch on Tuesday, but with the conversation flowing so well, we decided to jump the gun and meet that night instead. Right off the bat, I found him attractive and very easy to talk to. I dig his very sharp, clever, sarcastic sense of humor and we really seem to match wits and have excellent banter together. Dinner was great, although our waiter kept hovering over me and presenting me with extra plates of rice (long story!) which led to a funny conversation about which one of us the waiter was hot for. (Jury’s still out on that one!) We were the last diners to leave the restaurant, and in the parking lot we talked about taking a walk in a nearby park before saying good night. But I’ll be honest, there was huge chemistry between Mac and I, and I really just wanted to be alone with him for a while. ;-) So when he mentioned that his place was about a five minute drive away, I threw caution to the wind and said yes.

Now, before you shake your head and say “BittenChick, what were you thinking?” — I know, it was a bold move. But I felt comfortable and at ease around him, and we’d previously discussed things like when sex is appropriate (in the scheme of a dating) so I knew that nothing naughty would be occurring. And true to both of our words, we spent the next three hours or so on his couch, progressively escalating kino until we were cuddled up pretty well together — and still, he hadn’t tried to make a move. Finally I saw the time (Sunday had become Monday, I’ll leave it at that!) and I said that I should get going. And then a wonderful first kiss, which led to, um, several more … Yes, I left with my “innocence” in tact (hehe) but you could say that his make out skills were tested thoroughly and earned two solid thumbs up! ;-)

However, the next day things started to get tricky, as both Ozzy and Mac wanted to spend more time together, and it was difficult to orchestrate things without seeming sketchy. So I saw Ozzy on Tuesday night, Mac on Wednesday night, and plans are in the works to see Ozzy tonight (Thursday) and Mac tomorrow. Yes, I realize this could be all kinds of trouble, and both of them have said enough to suggest that they’re interested in dating exclusively, so I know that the possibility is out there. In the middle of all this, Match guy (whom I’m now calling Toby, like the character from The Office, because he seems kinda dull and doesn’t laugh much), he called and asked me out for next Friday. I accepted, since the date was a little ways off, but I’m wondering if by next week I’ll even be interested in meeting someone new.

Now here’s my quandary when it comes to “choosing” whom I’d rather spend more time with … I like Mac and Ozzy a lot. They both have some awesome qualities. I have minor caveats in both directions (as we all do when first meeting someone). But on top of the personal comparisons comes the credo that I repeatedly told myself when I was signing up for these dating sites:

I don’t necessarily want to find “the one”, I just want to meet new people and have a great time!

I realize that might seem contradictory, especially since a site like eH is marketed more towards the “I’m looking to settle down” crowd. And now BittenChick, the idealist romantic (no matter how much I try to squelch those tendencies!), she’s got two dudes who are looking for relationships, and no amount of advice from Dr. Warren or Dr. Phil can help her now. ;-)

Yeah I know, throw a pity party, right? It’s hardly anything to complain about. I’m just a little confused. I could let them both go and be alone and sad about them (but still a “free spirit”), or I could pursue something that deep down I think I really do want. And in that case, I do feel a strong leaning towards Mac. Although Ozzy is a wonderful person, he’s almost too accommodating, too interested in being an “us”, too … nice! And I hate to use that word, because “nice guys finish last” and all. But there’s another lesson learned, fellas — girls respond better to being challenged and kept off balance a little! As much as we say we hate the games, the uncertainty, the ambiguity — I think the sense of being challenged is intoxicating and intriguing. Mac keeps me entertained and leaves me guessing just a bit, whereas Ozzy gives me the impression that he’d entertain my desires and tell me anything I wanted to know, without there being any mystery …

So I don’t know, we’ll see how the next few dates work out, but by next week I think a decision will need to be made. And in the meantime, the Match profile is hidden and eH matching is off. They say that good things come to those who wait, but I think sometimes a good thing can be right in front of your face. And if I blink, I don’t want to miss it. ;-)

“Short” Term and Long Distance … September 16, 2007

So remember that bit I said about eHarmony being so great at matching me with folks who live close by and are near me in age? Today, all seven matches consisted of guys who were either 5 years younger or 10 years older, at least 100 miles away, and all but one were about 4 inches (or more) shorter than I am. System meltdown or alternate universe? Ahh well, I got a good giggle at least!

Since yesterday, the emails between Mac and I have gotten progressively more naughty and sexual — but in a tongue-in-cheek way, mind you, not tongue-in-other-orifices. ;-) We’re meeting for lunch on Tuesday, but if our current email frequency keeps up, we’ll likely barely be able to look each-other in the eye by then! Still, if nothing else, it’s always fun to have a friend who’s a sexual deviant. Not, um, that I would know about things like that …

Ozzy (whom I did end up seeing last night, and had a great time with) rang me this afternoon and said that he really liked me and wanted to know if it would be okay to consider me his girlfriend. Yikes! And therein lies the quandary — I really like this guy as well, but it just seems like too-much-too-soon, and (as awful as this sounds), I’m not quite ready to relinquish my $130 online dating investment after only three dates. Is that horrible of me? I don’t know. I was as honest with him as I could be, and the conversation ended on a very good note, but I’m gun shy enough to know that diving headfirst into another serious relationship isn’t the right thing to do. I think we could both use some time to date other people and test the waters before deciding on an exclusive course. It’s been great for the ego though, and thumbs up to Match.com for makin’ it happen!

Speaking of Match, new-guy-with-phone-number emailed me back specifically to tell me when he’d be calling me. It seems kinda sweet and kinda odd, so I’m letting it go and we’ll see how the conversation works out. Oh, and on eH one of the OC guys closed saying that he was “pursuing another relationship”, and the others haven’t been in touch.

But how was your weekend? ;-)