The Tao Of Hasselhoff

There are some slices of life that bring a grin to your face every time you remember them. A conversation I had with Ozzy a while back is definitely one of those. This was probably late November, in one of our several “just friends” phases, and he was trying to figure out what it was that often led to troubles in his relationships.

“Man, I have these cycles where I’m cool and everything is smooth sailing for a while, and then I get worried and start trying too hard and it blows up in my face. I’m like those former kid actors who finally land a movie and everything starts looking good and then it gets bad ratings.” Ozzy shook his head in frustration.

I laughed. “Come on, you’re way cooler than Gary Coleman and that Webber kid!”

Ozzy smiled. “Nah, they never really made comebacks. Maybe not kid actors, who can I compare it to … Hmmm … Oh! Dude! I am Hasselhoff!”

A few stunned moments of silence followed, as the swell of the Baywatch theme song numbed my ears and visions of a tanned David Hasselhoff running in slow motion began invading my brain.

“Nooooooo!” I nearly shouted. “Anyone but Hasselhoff!” Although I could see where he was going with this …

David Hasselhoff is all about periods of (relative) coolness and severe falls from grace. Exhibit A: Knight Rider. Now while this was originally airing I was more interested in those iconic 80’s fixtures like Cabbage Patch dolls and the Garbage Pail Kids, but I remember this being a staple of my parents’ television viewing, and even at my tender age I thought Mr. Hasselhoff was kinda “sexay”. After Knight Rider ended it seemed the Hoff would be silent for a while, until he was ill-advised that a musical career would be an excellent idea. This led to a few top-10 hits in Germany that the folks on this side of the pond wisely found were unfit for American ears. It seemed that David Hasselhoff was bound for little more than getting some European lederhosen in a twist …

But no! The Hoff stunned us all when he rocked the teeny red bikini shorts and became the resident stud of TV’s Baywatch. Mmmm. Just thinking about it makes me want to sing …

you’ve got to reach out, take hold of my hand
you’ve got to reach out, till you’re safe on good land
you’ve got to hold on, baby never give up
you’ve got to reach out, when you’re caught in the current of looooooove …

Oh man. If I ever quote Hasselhoff lyrics again, please boil me in bleach.

But alas, the post-Baywatch years were unkind to the Hoff, and his next downward spiral was aided and abetted by a little sumthin-sumthin called we like to call alcoholism. Not so hot. He had some brief, shining moments — a few roles on Broadway, a stint judging a reality TV talent show (which is par for the course when you’ve made that transition to D-list star status, it seems!) But then came last year’s infamous internet video shot by the Hoff’s daughter in which he has drunken oral sex with a Wendy’s hamburger …

*Sigh* Will it ever be the same again?

Thankfully, Ozzy interrupted my thoughts on the low and high (?) points of the Hoff’s life story. “Wait,” he mused. “If I am Hasselhoff, where is my Pamela Anderson?”

I threw a pillow at his head. “Knock it Hoff!”

We both collapsed in laughter. “Oh dude,” Ozzy exclaimed, “we should start sneaking his name into conversation and see if people notice!”

I gave it another try: “Do you come here Hoff-ten?”

Ozzy gave me a lascivious wink. “During sex, do you prefer the lights on or Hoff?”

I snickered. “You have blue balls? That’s so Hoff-ul for you!”

I could see the wheels turning in Ozzy’s head. “But to get the full effect, we really need to incorporate this entire name. The question is, would it be a noun, verb, or adjective?”

“All three,” I exclaimed! “That would be so Hasselhoff!”

Ozzy beaned me in the head this time. “You are such a Hasselhoff.”

Which, as every good spitfire redhead would do, caused me to launch over and fake-punch him in the stomach, followed by a mimed right hook to the jaw. I watched Ozzy keel over in mock pain with a grin of satisfaction.

“Dude, you just got Hasselhoffed!”