Hollowiener October 31, 2007

Hope all of you guys and ghouls out there had a frighteningly fabulous Halloween! Mwahaha!

… And with that, I am fresh out of holiday-themed references. “A” for effort?

So last night with Ozzy was sweetly awkward — kind of that in-between place where it’s a slight bit uncomfortable but in a charming way. By the end of the first Heroes he had his arm around me, and by the end of the second episode our legs were all pretzeled up and we were holding hands and my head was on his shoulder. *Sigh* Dude, I seriously need my own border patrol, because I am an expert at circumventing that “just friends” line! ;-)

Ozzy is … Ozzy? What can I say. He’s my “type”, has many great qualities, seems to really dig me, etc etc. I’ve been completely honest with him about how I feel — wanting to like him “in that way” but it’s just not happening — and he says he understands. Which is probably boy-speak for “I’m gonna pretend I understand until my adoration overwhelms you and you turn to me ever so slowly, pout your lips seductively, and lead me off to your bedroom for a night of unspeakable passion!”

(Note to self: Writing believable male dialog, probably not a strong point. Ha!)

Then tonight I met up with Dwandy at a hole-in-the-wall Mexican joint, and we ruminated a bit about what we were both looking for, relationship wise, between bites of burrito and enchilada.

“I’m looking for companionship that’s fun and enjoyable but not totally serious,” he said. “What about yourself?”

I took a long sip of Sprite while I carefully pondered my words.

“I’m interested in casually dating,” I replied, “with the potential for a mutually exclusive relationship if the feelings are there.”

Dwandy made agreeable sounds between chewing while I nodded, pleased with the way I’d phrased things. I’ve made it clear that I don’t consider us to be exclusive, but I’m not just looking to be a serial dater either, I thought to myself.

“And sex outside of the context of a relationship, not so much,” I added as an afterthought. Of course, I had to raise my Sprite again to hide a guilty grin, as I certainly haven’t always been so stoic in the past! Still, I figured it might be a good idea to put it out on the table. Although Dwandy is another chap whose dating and sexual history is very limited, based on my recent experience with Wanker Belding, that doesn’t always count for much!

He nodded in understanding and we finished our dinner conversation on various topics before retiring to my apartment to watch Pushing Daisies.

Meh … I don’t know how I feel about Dwandy at this point. His attitude on Monday night was off-putting but unusual, so I mostly chalked it up to one of those weird moods. But at the same time, I think that good behavior should be somewhat expected in the first stages of a courtship … Save the drama for yo’ momma and the pissy moods for when the other person actually cares about you and is more invested in your relationship, right?

So while I’m not quite ready to bestow Dwandy with a wanker ranking just yet, he can be kind of a wiener at times. But as long as he keeps it in his pants (for now!) I think I’ll keep him around for a while … ;-)

In the meantime, tomorrow night is my sushi date with the new eHarmony lad and I’m really looking forward to it. We’ve had two great phone conversations and traded several hilarious texts, so I’m very optimistic! But for now, I’m off to welcome in November with a Malibu Lemonade (coconut rum mixed with pink lemonade … magically delicious!) and the latest Private Practice. Who knows, maybe I’ll meet my McDreamy yet!

Checkmate October 29, 2007

Well, last night I had an awkward date with Dwandy, and I’m still not sure how I feel about it. We’ve been seeing each-other about once a week, and we text maybe every other day (never really chatting on the phone), so by all accounts it’s a pretty casual courtship. He has a naturally challenging attitude, which I appreciate, but it can get to be a bit wearying after a while. Trading quips laced with “big words” and philosophical theories is intriguing, but sometimes you just want to let your guard down and oh, I don’t know … Have a regular old good time like the “normal folks” do? ;-) It’s his somewhat elitist attitude that gets to me, and it was never more apparent than last night.

We decided to meet at Barnes & Noble then stop by a nearby ice cream shop. I arrived, didn’t see him, and began to walk over to the cafe to take a seat when I decided to browse around a bit while keeping an eye towards the door. A few minutes passed, and as I made my way down an aisle, I started a bit when I realized that Dwandy was standing there, arms crossed, a slight frown on his face, looking right at me.

“Oh! Hey!” I said.
“Trying to hide from me?” he smirked.
“No silly, I thought I got here before you, but I was watching the door.”
“No, I’ve been waiting,” he replied. “You’re late.”

I looked at my cell phone and it was 8:05pm. Oh man, it was going to be one of those nights.

We walked over to the ice cream place without saying much. He was putting some noticable distance between us, and I didn’t know what to make of it. Finally after we had our cones in hand and made our way outside, I mentioned that he seemed a little cranky, and I wondered if he was in a mood.

“I don’t know, am I?” he asked.
“Well, are you?” I responded.
“You tell me?” he replied.
“Actually, why don’t you tell me what’s up?” I answered.
“Is that what you’d like me to do?” he countered.

Honestly, at that point I wanted nothing more than to throw my butter pecan in his face. ;-)

I finally got him to admit that he was, indeed, in a mood and that he’d even been bugging himself to some degree. Now I completely understand that some days you’re just not in the best mindset, but I wasn’t feeling particularly charitable about snapping him out of it. Our date last night had been his idea, after all, and I couldn’t understand why he’d want to hang out with me if he wasn’t going to be pleasant company. We ended up walking around the plaza for about an hour, chatting casually, and when the ice cream was long gone and we’d run out of things to say, we decided to call it a night.

“Now this is the awkward part where two people are standing close together but neither is making a move and both is wondering what the other is thinking and …”

I rolled my eyes at Dwandy and cut him off mid-narration. I know he thought he was being clever, but kissing him was pretty far from my mind.

“Let’s just call it a night, okay? Maybe we’ll try again in a few days?”
“Sure,” he responded. “Good night.”

Off I went to my car, and about 15 minutes later I received this text:

Sorry don’t know what was up tonight. Hope you sleep well, will text you tomorrow.

And just about a half hour ago, I received four texts in a row that went like this:

I have a theory about last night…
Since last week I decided to let u move things along at ur own pace on a more natural level.
So I ended up closing off completely as I’m usually an all or nothing person. Plus I’m no good at PDAs especially in a B & N.
Anyway that’s the story from my end. Check. Next move is yours…

The question is, what move do I want to make? One awkward date certainly isn’t enough to make me walk away, but there are too many fish in the sea to settle! So we’ll see … In the meantime, I had an awesome hour and a half long phone call with a new eH guy and we have a sushi date on Thursday night. Oh, and Ozzy is coming by tonight to watch the last two episodes of Heroes (we’re just friends, dammit … that’s what I keep telling myself!) So if Dwandy wants to sketch out on me, that’s his deal. After all, sometimes you have to sacrifice a pawn or two to advance in the game … ;-)

Welcome To Wankerville, May I Take Your Order? October 27, 2007

She’s baaaaack! ;-) It’s been a while since my last post and there’s been all kinds of craziness going on that’s kept me from bloggin’ … But the events of the last week have definitely prompted a post — and a very special one at that. I proudly welcome you to:

The 1st Annual Wanker Awards!

[Cue thunderous orchestral music.]

Actually, this will probably be way more than annual, given the dudes that I’ve been meeting lately. But a little backstory — what exactly are the Wanker Awards? Well I’ve decided that some of these choice gentlemen whom I’ve had the “pleasure” of dating recently deserve some kind of recognition for their contributions to the online dating community. So what better way to say “thank you for being you” than to award them for their fine attributes?

Each guy’s wankyness will be judged on a scale of 1 to 5 … Now I realize that “wanker” generally means “one who masturbates” (thank you, Wikipedia!) which means that most of us technically are of the wanker persuasion. (Come on, you know you do it!) But for my purposes, we’ll use the more pejorative version in which a wanker is a “dick, ass, or jerk” and thus will be awarded with the appropriate number of penises for their efforts. Trust me, it will all make sense in a minute. ;-)

Wanker #1: Rico Suave
Rico is kind of a perpetual wanker, but usually in the mildest of ways. Still, you have to award some points to a guy who comes to your place to watch The Office after concluding a date with another woman. Considering that he and I are “just friends” (in the sketchiest sense of the term!) it would have been fine except that we ended up making out all through Scrubs. Slippin’ the tongue to two different girls in the same night? Rico, you rate 1 out of 5 on the wanker scale. I’m sure we’ll be revisiting your ranking quite often!

Wanker #2: Duke
Duke is a recent eHarmony match whom I met for lunch a few weeks ago. He’s the one who made a point of telling me how well off he was — affluent career, starting his own business, two homes — and then immediately agreed when I politely offered (as you do) to split our $25 check. But this isn’t really cause for wankyness … His rating is derived from a phone conversation we had a few days ago in which he essentially told me that it seemed like I didn’t work very hard (I co-own a small business) and that he thought I was “useful” and “worth keeping around” because I’m good at web design. Although he laughed when he said it, I had an inkling he wasn’t kidding. I decided to email him through eH, and I wrote a nice email in which I said that he was a cool guy and I had a good time at lunch, but I didn’t think we had a romantic vibe. I also wrote that a few things he’d said to me had rubbed me the wrong way, but that it may have been a misunderstanding, and either way, best of luck. His response? “I agree”, and immediately closing the match. Duke, you are a 3 out of 5 rated wanker for being a cheap braggart who needs some serious lessons in being tactful!

Wanker #3: Belding

Last (and definitely least!) is Belding, an eH match that had all the right movies — funny, intelligent, clever, interesting, shared interests. We progressed to Open Communication rapidly and had a few hilarious conversations on instant messenger. He asked me out for drinks last Sunday night, we had instant chemistry, and we ended up kissing about an hour into the date. He asked me back to his apartment using the old “watch a movie” trick (red flag, I know!) which, in my semi-blurry state, I agreed to. Once inside, we abandoned all attempts at movie-watching and started making out, but he was all Handy McGrabberton and it was all I could do to keep my clothes on. After repeatedly trying to get me into his bedroom, I said that I needed to get going, so he walked me to my car and off I went. A few days later I saw him on IM and said hello but he ignored me, then yesterday I decided to take the high road and write him an email:

You’ve been pretty quiet this last week, so I’m guessing you’re not up to the challenge of handling a fiery redhead, haha. But you could have told me silly! Silence = way lame. ;-) It was fun getting to know you and I wish you the best. Take care!

I sent it off and figured I’d never talk to him again. But no such luck …

Hey, I was the quiet one? Girls aren’t the only ones who like to hear “I had a good time” ya know. Yea I don’t think we’re as matched as Dr. W’s crazy science seems to think. Besides you kind of embarrassed me on Sunday. Anyway, [Belding]

(Yes, those are direct quotes!)

I embarrassed him?! What, by turning him down for sex two hours after meeting him? Oh no he didn’t! ;-) I wrote back:

I tried talking to you on IM but I never got an answer. Interesting that you think we’re a mismatch considering how intent you were at getting intimate on Sunday. I’d hate to think you’re “that kind of guy” but I guess I can only call it like I see it. I hope you find what you’re looking for.

I always have to get the last word, I know. Further confusing this whole thing was the fact that he’d told me he’d only ever had one serious girlfriend — a relationship that lasted through college up to a year and a half ago — and likewise, only one sexual partner. Whether that’s true or not, who knows. But I don’t care how horny you are, looking for sex that quickly and disappearing when you don’t get it definitely earns you a 5 out of 5 wanker rating. And good riddance!

That wraps up this edition of the Wanker Awards. I’m your hostess, BittenChick, reminding you to be honest, polite, and keep your pants zipped! ♥

Friends & Lovers October 10, 2007

Underwhelming … That’s an unfortunate but accurate word to describe my matches and dates of late. And it’s interesting, because HeyWouldFloyd and Quirky Girl seem to be experiencing very similar spells. Maybe it’s the inordinately high number of (seemingly) dead profiles and non-responsive matches I’ve been coming across in eH, but I’ve unconsciously worked myself into a “meh” state of mind that makes me wonder if I should take a brief hiatus from dating. I’m one of those fiery sorts who hates to do anything if I lack passion for it, so going the half-assed route is wholly unappealing. That’s not to say that there aren’t prospects, but I just don’t feel particularly excited about any of them. And you know, it’s funny because in the past I might have chalked this up to being stuck in a rut and wanting a “knight in shining amour” to sweep me off my feet with dazzling, passionate romance … The trouble is, Ozzy tried to do exactly that and it came across as too much, too fast, too strong. It’s so sadly ironic! A hopeful, dreamy girl waxes lyrical in her mind about the boy who fits her “type” and makes all the right romantic gestures and wants nothing more than to be with her … But in reality, it’s anything but seductive. And man, I miss those days when it all worked out so perfectly in my daydreams! ;-)

So Spader and I had our date on Sunday and it was fun — got dinner and had a few ciders at a Scottish pub nearby (which ended up being a glorified sports bar where the barmaids wore teeny kilts and tattoos in their “tramp stamp” regions, hehe) … I don’t know, I had a good time and we shared a couple of kisses, but it definitely wasn’t fireworks. He texted me out again (such a digital age, having conversations in person seems foreign sometimes!) and I said I was free this weekend. There’s a certain familiar vibe there, going out with someone whom you’ve known for a year — not as much pressure to make the best impressions and having to build up a comfort level from scratch. So we’ll see … Then on Monday I had dinner with a good friend whom I briefly dated last summer. Wonderful guy, but he’s 18 years my senior and 6 inches shorter than me (no joke!) so a romantic relationship definitely wasn’t in the cards. ;-) We have a great friendship though and I had fun hearing his stories about women on JDate and his own eH misfortunes. But I was most looking forward to my date last night with a new Match guy, whom I’m calling Teddy because he’s strongly built but has a very cuddly vibe — and I jokingly referred to him as “fuzzy” after he kept unconsciously stroking his goatee all night. Here again, though, was another instance of a good date that never really “clicked”. We spent a good two hours chatting over our sushi, and then he suggested taking a walk in a nearby park, which I’m always game for. He’s cute, and there was some good chemistry and good smoochin’, but … I don’t know! It’s just one of those instances where there’s a “but” on the end of that sentence and I can’t quite put a finger on what’s missing.

Yeah, I know — some might call it being picky, but I prefer to think of it as refusing to settle. There’s a movie I really enjoy called Dream For An Insomniac, and the two main characters are incredibly drawn to each-other but they have obstacles in their path (he’s in a relationship, she’s moving away). One of the best lines is when the girl tells the guy that “anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love is a waste of your time.” A bit dramatic, but true nonetheless! I think this is why I delivered the “I might not be the marrying type” speech to my mom following my broken betrothal, which she’s still having heart palpitations over! But seriously, I don’t care if societal conventions dictate that I should be married at my age (or close to), and I should have X children in my future, and I should just settle. Screw conventions! Where did those conventions get most of our parents and many of our friends/peers? Unhappy, separated, divorced … Blah. If I knew it would make me truly happy, I’d travel the world, have a different lover in every city, and never “settle down”. ;-) In fact, one of the reasons I dig Angelina Jolie is an interview she gave several years ago, where she said that she doesn’t have relationships because she prefers to have lovers. Then she went and met Brad Pitt, but at least it seems that she wasn’t settling, because she’d previously stated that keeping things casual made her the happiest.

Anyway, I’m getting all philosophical about it, but it feels good knowing that I don’t have any kind of relationship “agenda”. And we’ll see where that insight takes me. Today’s eH matches were actually an interesting bunch, and after closing out a number of unresponsive guys, I still have 8 in various stages of communication. I’m hopeful rather than hopeless, and I think that’s the key. And if love is a long time in coming, well … “Friends & Lovers” has a nice ring to it! ;-)

Edited to Add … I just checked my daily horoscope at Yahoo Astrology (cheesy, but fun!) and under “Gemini: Love & Relationships: Daily Singles” it says:

If someone asks you out, and you’re not into it, give them a solid answer. Don’t be afraid to say no. Now’s a great time to let people know where they stand with you. The clarity of your boundaries will give you confidence.

I knew I was onto something! ;-)

The Wizard of Ozzy October 6, 2007

So there I was, sitting on my couch and affecting my “strong willed redhead” pose (a force to be reckoned with, surely!), taking a deep breath and readying myself to tell Ozzy that I thought we should stop dating and just be friends …

And the little mo’fo managed to talk me out of it! Either I’ve become a sentimental softie, or Ozzy’s resemblance to a young Professor Snape goes deeper than just his looks! ;-)

I did tell him straight out that I have a date tomorrow night with someone else, and that I really felt he needed to pursue dating other women, to which he reluctantly agreed. He has a “moral code” that dictates dating only one person at a time, but I said that was like exclusivity without being exclusive, and if I felt like he was waiting around for me while I put him on “hold”, that I’d rather do the right thing and go our separate ways. So now we’re riding the very casual dating wave, but he knows his chances are slim to none at this point where romance is concerned. Why is he sticking around, you ask? And more importantly, why am I letting him stick around? I have no effin’ clue, honestly. Either this will end up being a humorous anecdote that we tell our grandkids someday, or I really need to learn how to get my inner bitch on and release the guillotine.

Eh, I’ll worry about it later. For now, so many boys, so little time! ;-)

Thursday night I enjoyed watching “The Office” and having dinner cooked for me by Rico Suave. I’ve known RS for about a year now, having originally met on Match but only exchanging a few emails before I got into a relationship with the New Years heartbreaker. RS and I crossed paths again when I put my profile back up in early February of this year, and this time we met in person and had an instant attraction. The problem? We were both in “rebound seduction” mode at the time, so our interludes advanced to intimacy very quickly and became awkward soon after. We fell out of touch, but he’d send a text or email every now and again to see what I was up to. When he emailed in July I had just gotten together with Broody from MySpace, and I have to admit that I felt kinda smug when I replied that I was betrothed … Of course, my tail was between my legs a month later when I’d ended it, so when Rico Suave came around again, I offered to meet for a drink — third time being the charm, right?

Did you ever meet someone where there was so much sexual chemistry and a great personality connection, but the idea of being in a relationship with them seems unsavory? I guess it’s like the equivalent of “friends with benefits”, but I can’t really put a finger on what makes RS and I a great match, save for the romance. All I can say is that sparks fly when we’re in the room together, and it makes being “good” feel so very bad! ;-)

But I digress … Thursday was fun, and we (mostly) behaved ourselves. What I really like about this … “thing” with RS is that I don’t care if he doesn’t call for several days, I don’t feel any kind of jealousy or anxiety about him dating other girls, and I don’t feel any guilt about dating other guys when he’s in the picture. It’s a unique situation but it works. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, right? And speaking of old/new situations …

Another former Match flame has come out of the woodwork — and this one I’m going to call Spader because he’s a cross between James Spader’s characters in “Boston Legal” and “Sex, Lies & Videotape”. Besides, he’s cute and I certainly wouldn’t kick James Spader outta bed! ;-) But my Spader is smooth, clever and interesting in his own right. We had a few dates last autumn but he met another girl right around the time that I met Heartbreak Kid, so we both got into our respective relationships and went our separate ways. But Match, that tricky bastard, put my face in his “Your New Matches” email a couple of weeks ago, so when he saw that we were both free agents again he sent an email my way. We’re planning on dinner and a movie tomorrow night — I’ll let you know how it goes!

And as far as eH is concerned, after tweaking my preferences I’ve received some promising new matches. Unfortunately 7 of them have yet to answer my Stage One questions, but I also have one in OC and I’m waiting for the MH/CS lists of another. Oh, and I’m newly emailing with a very interesting Match lad who was struck by some of our similarities (traveling Irish sushi-lovers, go figure!) and I sent him my phone number this morning.

So that’s how it goes, folks. Sometimes you go through a dry spell or two, but then a tornado of activity sends you spinning off into a Technicolor dream land with singing munchkins, flying monkeys, and a merry band of men who might be flawed, but they still think you’re the bee’s knees …

I don’t think we’re in Kansas any more, Toto. ;-)